As i sat here, thinking about how today was a total waste of any effort. feeling kinda down bc i looked at some old pictures, how young my two oldest boys were, how skinny i was, how young my skin looked. then i go and look at myself now. i look so tired, my skin just looks tired, im fat and my hair is looking crazy. no makeup, havent even washed my face this morning, i just think to myself, “what in the world is wrong with me”. “Oliver is 2 months old! i should have my shit together by now, i should be on the track to getting myself back, but im not.” I know that two months really isnt that long when it comes to transforming your body after carrying a baby. i just need to really get off my ass and do something. today was a RUT DAY.
screw this day! i guess im allowed to have bad days. they really arent pleasant. im sure it’s just getting to me bc i see all of these stupid people posting about “a new year, a new me” i want to scream bullshit every time i see that mess. if youre going to change youre going to do it, youre not going to wait until january to do so if you really mean it. point is… i really need to get out there and start walking some, so mother nature, im going to need you to keep the sun shinning and dont let it get too cold out so i can get my fat ass out there and get back on the track i was on before i got pregnant. i really think it will help my energy level and keep me focused so i wont have anymore of these rut days. i cant handle them.
i finally snapped out of it when it was time to feed oliver. as i fed him i thought about my life and how unhappy i am with my body, STILL, then as i raise his bottle up to take it out to burp him, he cries, like he always does, so i put his pacie in his mouth and hug him while i burp him, being close and the sound of the noises i make soothe him. after he burps i just sit there and keep him close to me so he will be calm and everything ive been dwelling on all day just goes away. my weight will come down, i will get back in shape, im 30 years old, a little older then i was before so it’s not going to just happen like before. i know that i will love my body again, it will take some time and a lot of effort. ive done it before, i’ll do it again. in this moment ive calmed myself as well not even realizing it as it was happening.
so now that i have wasted an entire day, sitting around doing nothing and feeling “BLAH” i think i’ll get up and do something with myself. nothing much of course bc i dont plan on leaving this house but i will do something and then do something with the chore list.
just had to blog about this. i know there are other moms out there that have moments like this, or days even. the struggle is real but i plan on winning this one 🙂