Dont even really have to do this but thought id write a blog about it instead of making a giant post all over about it.
So last month my best friend left the country. A handful of people knew this was coming, i didnt advertise it. just wasnt anyones business. i did tell a few people so they would naturally know why i might be distant from conversation and civilization period. i needed to be able to focus on the kids and try to keep things normal here while keeping myself put together. it was so much harder then i had expected. i DID tell people i didnt want them coming over anymore then they already had been, i wanted things to stay as normal as they were. much to my surprise people dropped like flies. i am grateful for the few of you that have texted me and just asked how i was or even better, just messaged me out of the blue with a random question, thought or anything. shit… i needed something. there was only one person that checked in with me almost ever day. wont call her out but she knows who she is, i appreciate that chick! i know that life gets busy, we all have shit to do. but im thinking, if i knew a friend of mine was going to be struggling mentally, if i sat there and saw the bond that her and her best friend, love of her life, father of her children, had… i would know what kind of impact that would have on someone and just check in with them sometimes. i didnt want people to hover, i didnt want to be the center of attention but a single text once a week or something.. yall gotta do better when you “friends” are going through something LOL.. but people are all different. and some people have failed me. the day he left was march 17th, i missed a friends wedding that day, i was a wreck and even more the kids were just … they needed me, we needed each other. girl.. you know who you are, i am sorry for that but there is no way i couldve went and had fun without him. ❤
that day, the day he left, started a 10 day long battle. i was so depressed and hiding. i didnt get crap done around my house, i was moody. i would cry at the drop of the dime.. it was getting so rough for me. every day i woke up though, and every day i said to myself, “today is going to be better. i am going to be better. i am going to get ahold of myself” EVERYDAY i gave myself this pep talk. if you saw me during these ten days, you may not even have known what kind of battle i was fighting with my own head.. BUT everyday i tried, woke up with the pep talk and just kept trying. FINALLY on march 28th, it was such a pretty day outside.. i went out with the little and we played in the dirt, i did some yard work.. pulled some weeds. i think that was the day i started digging up stumps. not even sure anymore which day was which. THAT day.. all those pep talks finally had moved something in this brain. I didnt even realize that i was having such a better day. NO FAKE posts on facebook about how good my day was, NO faking a smile when i was talking to my love… it FINALLY happened.
So… to my point.. NO im not ready to hang out with you. NO im not ready to meet up so our kids can play AND NO NO NO im not ready to come to any parties. sorry loves, this is a process and im taking it slow. i have to get MYSELF back on track … like for real track, to where i dont have to celebrate not being in dumpy mood. i gotta get more positive days in a row.. this has to be my normal again..
i love all yall and you guys know it. but just like you, i am putting me and my lil family first right now bc thats priority. i WILL get back to normal. i WILL be social again. but right now, i just need all the positivity and support in my life and i dont need anything else.
i am finally feeling like myself again. i miss my love so much but it’s not crippling me anymore. its getting better and im getting out of my own head. the boys and i talk about things together and that has seriously helped too. communication is the key… with every and any kind of relationship.
so if you are in a rut… feeling down too many days in a row… just keep telling yourself “it will get better. today will be good. today will be easier” and just keep trying. dude if you keep trying whats the worst that can happen? you stay in your rut… whoa.. if you keep trying you at least have a possibility of making things better because you are trying to move forward instead of sitting there simmering in all your sadness… dont do that LOL that is NOT cool! (see what i did there)
anyway… love you guys.. thanks for the support or the lack there of.. either way, we cool. just remember, i dont forget. but like i said… IT’S OKAY.. im good 🙂