struggle rant..

Warning!! This is going to be ranting, rambling and preaching… thats your only warning.

im doing this blog just bc i feel like people need to be reminded.

we need to be reminded that we all fuck up. we all do things in life that we arent proud of. we all struggle at some time or another. like a stone flowing down a river, every current we go through, every little knick that we get, it all etches us into this piece that we are left to live with. unlike the rock, we can build ourselves back up after we hit rock bottom. get it? ha.. yeah ..

if you have never struggled in your life… good for you. super awesome that you could go through life and never hurt, never break… so happy for you. but most people cant say that.

people break. like glass sometimes we shatter into a million freaking pieces and we have no clue how we are going to get back to our whole.

most of you dont know me personally. you havent seen my story flow before you .. some have. those that have really seen what ive been through, i appreciate you being in my corner. those of you that dont know.. let me just give you a little piece of me,

I have been through some crap. As a child i went through shit like no kid should have to, mom if youre reading this, sorry, but it’s true. some of the things i went through and saw as a child were just horrible. BUT i grew from that. those things made me the best mom i could be today. i dont hate my mother for the things we went through when i was a kid. like i said before, i dont understand how things could have happened the way they did but i do NOT HATE her for these things. why you ask? because everyone makes mistakes, everyone goes through shit at some time or another. it happens. the only thing you can do is learn from it and move on with life. try to better yourself and keep going forward.

as a young adult, i had my first, with a not so great person. (if youre reading this, sorry)  our relationship was toxic in so many ways. he did a nice number on my self esteem, confidence and mental state over all. there was verbal and physical violence. i stayed in that situation longer then i care to admit. at the first sign i should have left but i didnt. not until i was kicked, and looked up to see my very young son standing there watching his father. that was my breaking point for that one.  still cant HATE him because you know what… i got my oldest son, my first blessing. i learned so much about myself in that crazy fucked up relationship. i really learned what it meant and felt like to have real love, from my son.  towards the end of that relationship i had gotten a job…. where i met the next stepping stone in my life…

this one is good.. (again.. sorry if youre reading this) i had a crush on this guy in high school, ladies, you know what it’s like.. seriously like a dream or some corny shit out of a movie.. life was great.. then life was off and on… life was finding out i was cheated on.. life was being left in the dark about what was going on.. life came back and life left again.. my heart was broken… then pieced back together.. and broken again.. by this stone, we will call him stone 2.. so here i am again, at the end i DO NOT HATE stone 2 because i learned so much.. i had to build my value back up, felt like i was unworthy of love bc of what i went through with stone 2. there were so many details in between but… through stone 2 i met stone 3..

during the beginning of my stepping stone 3 i went through so much change. it literally felt surreal, like nothing was real.. it was one of those foggy dreams that you can see but you cant really see… that was my life going through my eyes. i went through so  much more then anyone knows during that time.

i didnt feel like i had anyone to lean on and to really turn to. nobody that would understand. nobody that would just listen without judgement. people were scary. i finally let go of the past, well what i could anyway at the time. opened up to stone 3 and really let my guard down. we went through some major stuff together but we kept pushing and i kept trying. i never gave up. i am still standing bc of stone 3 and he is the love of my life, my best friend.

moral of all this is, each stone… each time someone came into my life, i learned something from them. they broke me down but i built myself back up because thats what i had to do. there is no giving up in life. we have moments when we want to totally through in the towel but we keep pushing. and i do NOT HATE any of them…

if you see someone struggling with life, say something nice to them. make them smile. you have no clue what demons they are fighting in their heads. you have no clue … you just dont have a freaking clue. just walk up to them, when you see that struggling look in their face and hug them. tell them a story of your struggles, listen to them vent… just talk. stop judging people when you see them struggle. sometimes we get scared, sometimes we dont want to admit to people that we are terrified and dont know how to process what is going through our heads. when you go through something life changing, something horrible, you dont feel right. you really arent you and sometimes you can act crazy ways. sometimes you say things that really freaking hurt to people that you love. i know i have done that and people have done that to me. but if you dont try to move past that then you will never be happy. i wouldnt have anything i have if it werent for forgiveness.

stop judging people and try to relate to them. you never know. something  you went through might turn out to be helpful information to them. we are all struggling in one way or another. lend a helping hand instead of holding their head under the water. life would just be so much better if everyone tried to get along.

i know sometimes it seems like people take advantage of it. time and time again they keep doing the same fuck ups. you keep trying to help and they keep screwing up the same ways… so frustrating i know!!! holy shit i know!! sometimes  you have to take a break from them, thats fine. or if you cant handle it just walk away, just leave it. dont sit there and bash them, if your going to give them your energy and time of day why  not make it be the positive kind, at least at the end of the day you can say you tried and you can rest your head at night knowing that youve tried to do good instead of going to bed at nite irritated or pissed off bc they just dont cooperate with you. maybe sit and talk with them and find out why it is that they wont go out and try. maybe people scare them at the time and they just arent ready. if you push someone who is on the edge of the side walk, someone who isnt ready… they will fall flat on their face. you cant push unless someone is ready, otherwise they will NOT succeed and they will not trust that you will be there for them. if you sit there and listen, find out what it is… help them get over it, they will know they can turn to you, they wont search for comfort somewhere else. they will know they can come to you… that is what you want isnt it?  everyone needs a safe place to go to.. why dont you be that safe place for them instead of throwing stones! people need strength and safety.

-Amberlee

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
― Mahatma Gandhi,

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My stressed out 7 yr old

Last year my middle son was having chest pains. At first i was thinking maybe it was indigestion so i didnt rush to get him into the doctor. i just adjusted the acid intake, food/drinks. well it didnt get any better so i took him to his doctor, we found out it was stress related. my middle son, at the time was 6 years old, in the first grade was stressed out and has some sort of anxiety problem. I had to change how i did things with him to reduce his stress levels. mostly around test time and the pressure i was putting on him to not fail the 1st grade. mommy had to chill.

since then i have adjusted the way he gets fussed at, how we study, the pressures of life, everything had to change a little when it came to him. i try to help him talk about things when there is something wrong so that the stress doesnt build up. stuff like that. well as i sat there thinking of all the “fits” he used to have… i thought maybe they weren’t fits at all, maybe they were stress related melt downs. maybe thats why the time out thing worked so well bc it gave him time to calm down and then we’d talk. since starting school he would have fits at certain times and i look back now and realize that he was stressed out, thats why. he didnt know how to deal with it and he didnt really understand what was going on. He’s never went all out for spirit week at school, which is the reason for this blog. they have different days where you can dress up, etc.

today was the first time he really dressed up. not just a red day… it was CAREER DAY!  I asked him last night, like i had the night before and the one before that, ” are you going to dress out tomorrow?” this time instead of saying no right away he said “what would i wear” i jumped up that second and found something. i hemmed the pants, cut the mens dress shirt up, added some names and put a sign on the back of the mens shirt which became a lab coat! he overcame something today and he wore it like a pro!!

to some people it’s “just a dress up day” but to me it’s so much more. there was a pajama day and the day before that i had asked if he was going to participate, we were on the way to school… he had a meltdown. i had to pull over and let him collect himself and i told him he didnt have to. other kids would be in their pjs’ but he didnt have to, and we still had a whole entire day to think about it. i was nervous about asking about career day. he wouldnt wear pjs bc he was afraid that someone would laugh, worried that he would be the only one… stressed out and worried… at 7years old! it’s hard enough to deal with stress and anxiety as an adult. i cant even imagine how it would be if i were 7 and dealing with it…

talk with your kids. make sure they know that they can come to you and try to teach them the different types of stress they can have and teach them that it’s normal. if they are struggling with processing it, teach them how to deal while they are young. teaching landon how to deal with his has really taught me a lot about myself. it’s been a mother/son learning experience and i am very happy to say that whatever we are doing is working. he is trying harder in school, his confidence is higher and i feel like he enjoys life a little more and is obviously willing to take some sort of risk on occasion.

i am one proud mama!

Cool Lego Creations

So… i just saw this article for “23 Incredibly Practical Uses For Legos” on the site BrainJet, I was looking at them and was going to post it to my 10yr old’s Facebook page when at the end, you click Next and a box with “things that are trending” pops up, NOOOOO way! i do not want him seeing that crap. so, BrainJet.com I am going to borrow a few of the pictures from your article, along with some from other places on the internet, so i can share them with my son without exposing him to something that could be inappropriate. 🙂 Soo… Bubba… here ya go.. thought these were cool and i could see you making some of this stuff for sure! my boogie ❤  click on the first photo and you can view them all larger.

None of these are anything that I created nor did my boys. these are found online. i just borrowed them! 🙂

CONTROL

healthy_portions

I am a mother. When it comes to dinner time i like to pile up food onto the boys plates. i feel like if they have a lot of food they will be happy. i guess i still think like the woman did way back. if you had a fat man you had a happy, well fed man. it kinda reflects back on me, almost like his weight would brag that i can COOK!! i cant even begin to tell yall how wrong that is. we are not doing enough exercising around here for all that food. so to start on solving that problem i have started using the smaller plates that i have in my set. instead of filling up the bigger plates, im using the small ones so it really fools us all into thinking we have more then we really do. i also try to prepare steamed veggies pretty regular. Those steamer packs you get out of the frozen aisle at the store are great! getting the snack size ziploc bags and making celery, carrots, whatever veggie is your thing, or fruit, make that stuff ahead of time and when you get the snack urge, just go grab a bag out of the fridge. healthy eating isnt convenient, and i think thats why some people struggle so much with it. i know having so many people to keep up with here thats a major thing for me. i need to just grab something and go. i dont have time to wash and cut everytime i want a snack, by then im distracted and dont remember why i was doing it in the first place.

Let me just add in here, like i said, i am a mother. a mother of 3 boys and one grown man. my boys are 3months old, 5, and 10. they will and are going through different stages all at the same time, i have one thats still on a bottle, the 5yr old isnt a big fan of dinner, or so it seems, he’d rather eat all day long. my oldest, well he never stops eating and still isnt as big as a power pole! he has gained some weight since football season has been out so we are going to be working on that. then there is my grown man….(i love you.. just saying if you read this.. i really do).. this is the one i have the most trouble with when it comes to this “change”. he goes to work, that is a major PROBLEM for me!! i cant control or see what he is putting into his body. i CAN see that there were strawberries and grapes put into his lunchbox for snacks today, but i cant see him stop at the gas station to buy a bag of bugles or a king size pack of reese cups. i cant control him throughout the day. he leaves here early as mess in the mornings and some nights doesnt get home til 7 at night. THEN after taking care of everyone else, theres me…. so now that you know just a lil about what im dealing with.. back to my blog.

So i LOVE to feed my boys. i love to make them happy and i try to make sure they are. being pregnant this last go round was rough. i tried to stay healthy, i really did, but it wasnt as good as it shouldve been. i didnt eat a lot of food, quanity wise, i just ate too many and drank too many calories. the last time i dieted i counted calories. at first that was hard but i got used to it and it wasnt even something i had to really think about anymore. So i am going to try that again this time. CALORIE CONTROL and PORTION CONTROL. that is where i am starting. WATER WATER WATER, PROTEIN AND FIBER.. those are some things that i need to get control of.

I am going to start walking again. a friend of mine is doing better for herself now too, she’s really trying to gain control of her health and life so we talk about our days via text/facebook. its really helpful if you dont go into something like this alone. reach out to anyone that has the same interest in mind. you dont have to know them personally, it could be someone in a mommy group that you follow … or anyone, just pick someone. i feel like the more people that know about what im going through, the struggles im having and the things im overcoming, the better. it holds a sense of accountability and really motivates me.

its really important to get your water taken in. i do KNOW that. when it comes to getting healthy, there is so much CONTROL that YOU need to have. YOU are responsible for what goes in your body. what you will and will not allow to be done. take 20 minutes out of your day and go for a walk, it’s not much but it’s a start and that 20 mins walking is better then 20 mins on the couch. what else are you going to do with it? getting outside once a day can change more then just your weight. your attitude will change too!!
CONTROL your PORTIONS.
CONTROL your SUGAR.
CONTROL your CALORIES.
TAKE back your body, energy and health!!
i know im sure as hell going to!

ps.. i am NOT any kind of professional. i blog and preach about things i have read in articles, or my own experience. everyone is different, things dont always work for everyone else like they do for me. i just know that any change is better then zero change.

Low Calorie Links

eating smarter is so difficult!! i have a family so it’s really hard to find whole meals that i can whip up for all of us that are low in calories that everyone is still going to want to eat. so i was browsing the internet this morning and found a few links that i thought i would share with yall. some of these have meals that my boys would LOVE to eat and some have simple and quick recipes that i can cook for myself after i cook for them. had to share..

300 Calorie Dinners 

Low Calorie Recipes 

Hungry-Girl

18 Easy Low Calorie Dinners

Quick Low Calorie Dinners

Dont forget to drink your WATER!!

Feel free to post any links to any other pages that you find interesting in the comments or send them to me. we all need to be here to  encourage healthy eating and healthy living!!

healthy eating

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Seared Steak with Cauliflower Mash and Green Beans                                   618 calories                   Courtesy of hellofresh.com

eating healthy is a lot easier said/typed then done. the thought of it is so nice and seems easy when your in the moment. actually doing it is the hardest thing ever for me! right now, because my eating lifestyle hasnt been well the last few months, im struggling, but managing. i have totally cut back on my Soda intake, i had one a few days ago with my lunch but that was the first in two weeks i think. anyways so i checked my snail mail this morning and i have a new PARENTS magazine in the box waiting for me. inside it was a coupon for this new thing called Hello Fresh. apparently they send you meals, the recipes and ingredients are all included in your box, everything is supposedly fresh. i got to looking around on their site and they do have some pretty good looking recipes that they say only takes about 30mins. some of the calorie counts are a little higher then id like but some are okay. i did read recently that they say to have your breakfast have a lot of calories and then not so much throughout the day. well whatever you choose to do  i think this site has some great tips and recipes for healthier eating. using more fresh veggies and not so many processed foods. had to share the link 🙂

Hello Fresh Recipes

Rut Day -.-

tired_woman2

As i sat here, thinking about how today was a total waste of any effort. feeling kinda down bc i looked at some old pictures, how young my two oldest boys were, how skinny i was, how young my skin looked. then i go and look at myself now. i look so tired, my skin just looks tired, im fat and my hair is looking crazy. no makeup, havent even washed my face this morning, i just think to myself, “what in the world is wrong with me”. “Oliver is 2 months old! i should have my shit together by now, i should be on the track to getting myself back, but im not.”  I know that two months really isnt that long when it comes to transforming your body after carrying a baby. i just need to really get off my ass and do something. today was a RUT DAY.

screw this day! i guess im allowed to have bad days. they really arent pleasant. im sure it’s just getting to me bc i see all of these stupid people posting about “a new year, a new me” i want to scream bullshit every time i see that mess. if youre going to change youre going to do it, youre not going to wait until january to do so if you really mean it.  point is… i really need to get out there and start walking some, so mother nature, im going to need you to keep the sun shinning and dont let it get too cold out so i can get my fat ass out there and get back on the track i was on before i got pregnant. i really think it will help my energy level and keep me focused so i wont have anymore of these rut days. i cant handle them.

i finally snapped out of it when it was time to feed oliver. as i fed him i thought about my life and how unhappy i am with my body, STILL, then as i raise his bottle up to take it out to burp him, he cries, like he always does, so i put his pacie in his mouth and hug him while i burp him, being close and the sound of the noises i make soothe him. after he burps i just sit there and keep him close to me so he will be calm and everything ive been dwelling on all day just goes away. my weight will come down, i will get back in shape, im 30 years old, a little older then i was before so it’s not going to just happen like before. i know that i will love my body again, it will take some time and a lot of effort. ive done it before, i’ll do it again. in this moment ive calmed myself as well not even realizing it as it was happening.

so now that i have wasted an entire day, sitting around doing nothing and feeling “BLAH” i think i’ll get up and do something with myself. nothing much of course bc i dont plan on leaving this house but i will do something and then do something with the chore list.

just had to blog about this. i know there are other moms out there that have moments like this, or days even. the struggle is real but i plan on winning this one 🙂