So .. just a recap of whats been going on.. im not sure if i already told you guys about my anxiety.. if i have.. sorry im repeating myself in this first paragraph..
My anxiety reached an all time high. I couldnt’ bust myself out of this mess i was in. to clarify what i was dealing with was high social anxiety, going to parties scared me, going to the grocery store most days made me a mental case, even just going to a friends house would make me crazy. I stopped going out to eat, playing at the park, doing the volunteer thing at school (mostly bc they stopped calling), road trips were a nightmare. i was a wreck the entire way. with the occasional normal trip.. i just wasnt myself.
I kept telling my mother that i was going to reach out and call a therapist or a doctor and make an appointment bc it wasnt getting better. i obviously couldnt do this on my own. ive been in this place before just not so deep and i always snap back. this time i couldnt. so .. about two months ago i started to see a therapist. on the way to see him i got so sick bc of my mental self, i almost went home. i realized that is exactly what i didnt need to do. i want to be me again, i have to do this. ANYONE that knows me knows that i am social. i will talk to ANYONE… literally if you look at me for two seconds we are about to be talking.. but that wasnt me anymore and i hated it. i needed to fix it. so .. im working on it.
i told my therapist about a trip that i had been wanting to do. a trip that i got out of one time already bc of some excuse. bc you see, thats what i do. i search for reasons why i cant do things. anyways the trip, i was to go to virginia and see family there, then go to mass bc i havent been there in 8 years. i didnt tell him when i first went in bc i didnt want him to push me to do it. but as i went to his office, and we talked more, i decided that this was the perfect test for myself and my anxiety. EXTREMELY risky!! Traffic is one of my triggers. i will literally drive over curbs and through bushes bc of traffic bc i freak out and think im trapped and i have to get out no matter what. crazy right?! so thats partially why i dont go anywhere or do anything. i cant feel trapped.
anyways so packing up the car, first stop is virginia, of course im a hot mess. having a melt down in my head and completely overwhelmed. see what im doing at this time is im gearing up for the meltdown that i dont even know is going to happen.. as im freaking out the boys point out a butterfly. (backstory on butterflies, my grandpa, from the day i got my butterfly tat, gave me a lil crap about it lol.. it’s a tramp stamp… we had fun with it. but that was something he and i did. joke about it) so when i see butterflies, i think, grandpa is telling me something. i believe in signs! so there it was, a butterfly on the patio. i walk up to it, it lets me put my hand under it! there was my sign, grandpa telling me to “calm the hell down” this is what i was meant to do. so we go.. i have a few melt downs, silently of course but we make it. my heart was so full in virginia! i finally connected with my brother on a real level, i got to play and watch my kids play with their cousins. i got to hug my sister, ive been needing to do that for a few months now. like i said, my heart was so full there.
then we pack up to leave. we head out to mass.. we hit traffic. my .. probably biggest trigger of all… traffic.. i know that music keeps me sane, so we listen to music.. we are going maybe 10mph… so i said “you know what.. lets roll the windows down” .. that small thing.. rolling the windows down, the music.. it kept me from nuclear meltdown.. i was still a little batty but for the most part.. it tamed me. we made it to mass.. again.. my heart so full of all the love i have there. i have never hung out with my cousin like this.. we had a week long sleep over and it was the best! we all felt so at home there with her and her husband, who is the best… they had a full dinner waiting on us.. the next morning a huge breakfast.. .. the morning i went running the roads to visit people i was really not in a good mental place. i made myself go and as i was driving down the road, mentally freaking out.. a butterfly flies in the window and comes through to my window and flies out.. A SIGN.. this is what im supposed to be doing and i need to calm the hell down. met up with my other cousin, then we had ice cream at my childhood place and met up with another friend. saw grandpas work at their old place, and topped off the night with having dinner with my childhood bestfriend and his amazing girlfriend!! the next day we went and had a blast at my uncles house. i loved every second of my visit.
the real test was leaving. it was so hard for me to see my cousin sitting on the porch, sad that we were going. i was sad too but it was just something about that view that hurt so bad. now im crying, as i type this. you guys, she was so amazing to me and my boys. she opened up her doors and just welcomed us in like we had always been super close but we hadnt. she didnt know how me n the boys were on the regular. we couldve been crazy nuts for all anyone knew. well besides her seeing us on video chat, she didnt know what happened after that was over.. her and her husband fed us the entire time we were there. we played games, we strolled memory lane, mine, hers and ours. we sat around and watched olivers kid shows together. just normal stuff. this trip was so important to me, for my anxiety and my mental health. i really needed to connect with certain people in my family that i had never been able to really click with. Brandon and Brittany.. those were my two goals. I achieved them both! ..
test wasnt over after i pulled out of her drive either.. it was just getting started. .. new york traffic was ahead of us.. yup.. sat in that shit for way too long. met two homeless men, just asking for food. of course i reached in the back seat and didnt hesitate to hand them a drink and a handfull of small bags of chips. it wasnt much but it was what i had. . we finally get out of the traffic and get going, i pulled off to have dinner with the boys. just for shits and giggles i decided to check my mobile map to see how far we were. we had been gone 6HOURS… we were 3.5HOURS away! i sat in traffic for TWO HOURS! i kept my shit together for TWO HOURS! After that.. i felt like i could take on the world.. drove through DC at night.. the boys saw all the amazing buildings lit up.. from the highway of course bc i wasnt trying to get lost. .. around midnight we pulled over and got a room and started all over at 9am. hit some traffic but i was NOT worried after that two hour bit. i couldnt roll my window down this time bc it was raining but i managed.. i did it.
so in conclusion.. if you are having anxiety.. reach out to someone.. let people know what your dealing with and ALWAYS challenge yourself. i did. and i am telling you i feel like a new person. im not 100% yet but im working on it and every day i make progress.
dont compare yourself to other people. people are going to love you for you. not because you look a certain way. im trying to come down off my compare-o-meter.. its hard but you will feel good about yourself. confidence is the prettiest thing you can wear! it will totally change how people see you too.
dont doubt yourself or your abilities.
two connections that were extremely important to me… yeah i did that shit..
two hour traffic in the BRONX.. yeah i did that shit..
— amberlee
ambleesunshine.wordpress.com 
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