Eye Opener

The past few weeks … well I guess about a month now, has been one heck of a rollercoaster.

I finished up my degree… finally!! I earned honors, Summa Cum Laude. Yall know how big of a deal that is for me. I really freaking did it. It’s still so wild to me to sit at my desk and to see a whole degree with my name on it. I am so proud of myself for sticking with it through all that crap that went on during the time I was trying to get it. I took a few steps back, but I never stopped, and I am so glad that I didn’t. I know some of those times looked like they would end me, I really didn’t think I would make it through some of those classes, but I did. So awesome!

C and I have split up and I’m out here trying this single mom life. I have tried to maintain as much normalcy as possible but my goodness it’s been a challenge. He has been great through this whole process; I don’t have anything bad to say about that part. Things just haven’t been working for a lil bit and it just got to the point where we had no choice but to split. The last thing I want is for us to have a crappy co-parenting/friendship. The boys don’t deserve the drama and heartache.

I knew it would be a challenge, but I really didn’t KNOW. The boys and I moved out on the first of Feb. We’ve been in our little townhouse/apartment for 23 days now. At first my youngest son was really upset about it. But we really tried to maintain communication and talk about everything. I let him know that it’s okay to be upset but that I wanted him to come to me when he is so that he’s not left there to wonder. That wonder can eat you alive and there’s no point in wondering when he can just come to me, and we can talk about it to ease his mind and to help him understand if that is what he is having trouble with.

I think I spent the first few weeks just focusing on the boys and making the adjustment the best for them. My brain has really been all over the place. I have been so distracted with this new life that I haven’t been focusing on God as much as I wanted to.

This past weekend the boys, both, went to their dads for the weekend for the first time. Friday I just enjoyed the quiet time. As soon as they left, I cleaned up the kitchen and took a shower so that I could just get in bed and be lazy. But as the weekend went on, certain things started to set in that I really thought I had been over or already had accepted. It made everything so real. My life is different and is NOT the same as it has been for the past 15 years. That is so hard to process when it hits you like a ton of bricks. So many emotions come flowing in all at one time.

I had a good day Saturday. I went to the gym and then spent some much-needed time with friends. Sunday came around and the boys and C didn’t go to church, so I went by myself. I had prayed so hard that Saturday night about some things, I had let the devil jump on my back and fuel some rage towards a family member. I woke up the next morning with an emotional hangover. I was in a funk so I knew that going to church was a must, it was not optional. So, I got all dolled up and did my best to look “normal”.

Most people in the church didn’t know, don’t know that C and I are split up. Some of them do now because I let the woman at the door in my Sunday class that I needed to change my name on the roll back to my… legal name… I don’t know if it was the mood or what, but I really was just so honest with people. When one of the women asked me how I was I made a noise and she giggled and said, “amberlee said she’s unsure.” I told her, “Every day I wake up and I am unsure but the part where I wake up, I am grateful for.” This is not like me. I am a literal ball of sunshine every Sunday. I walk into rooms, and I light them up. But that day, I walked into that room, and I was cloudy. I see now that it was okay…

After class I headed over to the service to claim my spot. You know us Baptists,’ we have specific rows that we sit in… unassigned but assigned seats and I am a stickler about mine. It throws the whole service off if I don’t get my row. The songs melted me, everything hit me so hard, and everything was so personal. The pastor got up there and went to start but paused. He said that the Lord had put a scripture on his heart during the service. He said he didn’t know who it was for, as he looked right in my direction. I already knew this would result in me crying like a baby. “No weapon formed against you shall prosper” he says… I had been struggling so badly and I knew I was under attack that weekend. I could feel it in my bones and my soul was being crushed. So, when he said that… I instantly started crying.

Then as he preached his sermon, he talked about how God has a “Vision” before the “Provision” and it’s up to you to make the “Decision”. I swear I lost it y’all. That couldn’t have been more personal. I had been praying about C and I for over a year but really hard for the past year. I prayed so hard. So, I made the decision because I felt like that was apart of the vision that God had for me. I felt like that is what God was telling me to do. When it came time for invitation and people walked up to the alter to pray, I felt that tug to go pray with the Pastor. I fought it for a few mins but then I just had to. I went up and he prayed with me and admitted that he sees God working in my life. The way that he said it, the confidence he had when he said it… really triggered something in me. Something that had already been in the works throughout the weekend, but it was like that was the match that lit the fire. That was my sign.

I opened up to a few people that day during church. I don’t do that sort of thing. I don’t like letting people in because people hurt you. I don’t trust people with my heart, but I really needed people that day. I needed my Christian family, my church family. I needed that strength, those prayers, those hand holding moments… the hugs… pure love and understanding. I realized that day that I needed a support group and that’s what these people are, but I cannot have a support group if I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable. Opening up to people like that is very hard for me to do but that day I did it and didn’t worry so much about what they would think of me.

After service I was still pretty mental, so I decided to go to the park and walk a few miles while I listened to my praise and worship music. I walked that track praying and singing. I rejoiced… I cried.. I was happy… I was sad… if there were any people who were watching me go by lap after lap, they probably thought I was the most emotionally unstable person out there. One lap I would cry, the next lap I was praising. I was a hot mess out there yall. But I needed that time with Him. That is when I realized that I needed to shift.

Anytime in the past when God has removed me from a place or a situation, I have spent time in the quiet, focusing on the Word and my relationship with Him. And each time I have handled it that way, it works out and things happen for me. So here I am three weeks into “single mom” life and it just feels like nothing is happening for me. Well Amberlee, you haven’t been focused. You have been distracted with life and with worry. In some ways I know that God will provide but then I have those moments of doubt and when they hit, they hit pretty hard.

I’m going through this transition, one that I have never experienced before, and everything is hitting me differently. I have never been on my own like this. Theres so many “firsts” that I am experiencing and some of them I am not even processing as they go. So, after realizing this … I have shifted and been trying to focus more on Him. It has been one heck of a week… it’s been such a hard week. But you see… when I was filled with doubt, when I was distracted… the devil had no reason to ride my coat tail. After this past weekend and realizing that I need to go head on in the opposite direction, the devil panicked. “she’s at it again.” Is probably what he said. So, he’s made this week so discouraging. But as the week has gone by, I have stood my ground and I have been making those changes. He will knock me down, but he won’t keep me down. That is not optional. There’s work to do and y’all know me, work first, play later.

These seasons are not easy but they arent meant to be easy. They are meant to prepare us for what God has planned for us in the future and if we don’t go through them then we won’t be ready. We may not even know it when it’s right in front of our face.

If you are going through a season like I am, remember to breathe. Remember that this will not last forever as long as you keep trying to move forward. If you don’t know how, pray about it and He will guide you. Be prepared to travel some roads that you may not want to go down though. Remember it’s His plan and not ours. Try not to freak out and overwhelm yourself. One hard thing at a time and then the next hard thing.

Love you guys! ❤