I can do the hard things.
Sometimes it feels like I am fighting an uphill battle all the time. I put in all this work in life and the results that I expect don’t ever seem to come. I find myself wondering if I deserve the specific things that I think I do. If I did…, wouldn’t I have gotten them at some point already? Why is it that there is a pattern of how “everyone” who has ever said they loved me treated me and it’s truly not what I expected it to be. I deserve the nice things. I deserve the time and appreciation. I deserve the things especially because I do the hard things! I know I do the hard things, I push through, I’m a good person and I do a lot for other people. But it just seems like what I am given is enough to just get by. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great, but that extra isn’t there and it would just be nice to have that once and awhile. I just don’t understand.
Years ago, when I started therapy, my counselor told me to make a five-year plan. Just make a list of things that I wanted to get done in the five years. It didn’t have to be super big, and he just asked for at least five things. I made that list. I didn’t realize I would even be able to do any of it, they were all just wishes and hopes. But I did it y’all. I won’t go into full detail because that list isn’t something that is meant to share but I enrolled in college and got accepted. Little Miss GED because I was a drop out, got accepted to a Christian College. Not only did I get accepted, but I made Dean’s list the majority of my college career, until I had to drop down to part time. It was looking like my stay would be extended but then I found a program to do on the side and I busted out 15 classes in one semester! Now I am back on track and this semester is my LAST one! I was never supposed to achieve this!
I have changed course on where I think I am going with this degree. I no longer have the desire to sit in an office. The Lord is pulling me in other directions. I have started two-three books so far. One of the books may not get published, I have not decided on that one yet. If it does, it will cause quite a disturbance. It will all be real; my real experience and it will be much like this blog. My mission is to share my testimony and share my story. Tell people about my addictions and how I overcame them and how they can overcome anything that is put in their path just like I did. It’s going to be a beautiful thing.
I see from my completed five-year plan that I can do the hard things. I lost 80+ pounds, obtained a degree, and survived so many things in the past five years. So here I sit, making my next five-year plan and it’s really messing with me a little bit. I just feel like there’s more than this and I am conflicted. Conflicted and scared because the next five years looks a lot like the past five did when I made that list. It’s easy to make a to do list but it’s a whole other thing to make sure those things get done. In order to work on this new list, I am going to have to take some chances and really put myself out there and that thought terrifies me because as much as I say I don’t care what people think, it is something that I worry about sometimes. I usually have no problem being myself in the moment but then I go home, and I think maybe I shouldve been different.
So many things have changed in the past five years. The next five will be just the same. Aidan is going off to the Air Force BMT on Tuesday and he has signed a six-year contract. In five years, Landon will be 19 and Oliver will be 14 years old. I’ll be 44 years old in five years. Where the heck do, I even want to be at that age? Honestly, I never even thought I would make it to the age I am now much less make it to 44. Because of the jacked-up life I was once living. But again, I did the hard things, and I made the changes. With those changes came confidence and a whole lot of realizations.
I’ve started to ramble. But my point is … I feel like I deserve more. Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way. Maybe it’s valid. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I can do the hard things and if getting more, getting the things I feel like I deserve, means I must do more hard things, I am going to do it. I have said it so many times before, y’all be careful how you treat me because not only am I writing books, but I am also going places and I will not forget. I’m going after everything I think I deserve, no matter the cost.
I suggest you guys do some evaluating and make yourselves a little list. I suggest you start doing the hard things and start showing yourself the appreciation that you deserve even when others won’t. You won’t regret loving yourself. ❤
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